


i cant stay for me (but i just might for you)

by Idek_know_anymore_1_98



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, george is more stable when it comes to pining tho lmao, probably, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-18 11:21:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29733123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idek_know_anymore_1_98/pseuds/Idek_know_anymore_1_98
Summary: 𝘪 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘮𝘺 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥, 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘢𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨?𝘥𝘰 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘯𝘶𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥,𝘰𝘳 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘯𝘶𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘯𝘦?𝘪 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘐 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶,𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰 𝘪𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘰?When Dream wakes up everyday, George is the first one on his mind. He wants nothing but him, to make him happy, just to be in his company. He knows he'll never have him, not fully, not in the way he wants. Dream will keep his mouth shut, gripping tight to label of 'friends' that he has grown to hate bitterly. Resentment grows, towards himself, towards George, towards anyone and everything.It's okay, though. He can continue to live like this; anything for George.Or, basically how I'm coping about (maybe) falling in love with my straight best friend by projecting onto two mcyts! be mindful of the tags this story will get dark fast.OR, where dream is dumb, george is also fucking dumb, and where sapnap is amazingly nowhere near as dumb
Relationships: Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As of now, all of these ccs are okay with fanfiction. Per their request, I won't hesitate to take this down. I don't ship them irl, just their online personas.  
> This is my first time actually posting, so please be nice. Feel free to leave constructive criticism but be gentle I'm very rejection sensitive (if you can't tell by the fic already lmao). Heads up, it's going to be kinda ooc because I'm Projecting with a capital P. Ok sorry for the rant, let's get into it.

Dream is on the bathroom floor, again. He seems to end up there very often these days, he idly thinks to himself .The cool tile is pressed up against his cheek, the whir of the overhead fan gives his golden hair a gentle sway, and he wonders if he ever did anything to deserve this. He knows that if he took the time to think about it, it wouldn’t be long before he found a reason.

His eyes fixate on a point on the wall, eyes flickering out of focus alongside his thoughts. Coherence was nowhere to be found, just an intense, aching, and pull towards  _ george george george. _ Dream would make his mind shut up if he could; it was too much raw feeling to shove down, lest it burst upon impact.

He had been streaming with Sapnap and George for hours, flitting from game to game indecisively. They’d been cackling half the stream, screaming at times. It’d gotten crazy towards the end, when they’d been speedrunning minecraft as a team, screaming over each other over who gets the last hit on the dragon, until nobody could discern a single word they were trying to scream.

_ He wiped some ‘laughter tears’ from his eyes as he wrapped up his stream. “Okay guys. I think this is as good a time as any to end. See you soon!” _

_ “Or not,” Sapnap joked in reference to his truly terrible posting schedule. _

_ “Shut your fuck sap, byeeeee!” He ended the steam before he finished his ‘bye’ , and spun around in his chair a few times in an attempt to get out some of that extra energy. _

_ “Shut your fuck?” George questioned a little breathlessly, still winded from laughter just moments before. _

_ “Yeah, and if you got a problem with that you can go ahead and shut your fuck too,” Dream said, smile creeping in his voice. “I’ve actually got a real life plan tomorrow morning. Not sure how my skin will react to the sun but I’ve gotta risk it.” _

_ “Oh? And what might that be?” _

_ “... Doctor.” _

_ The trio burst out in laughter again. “That’s not considered ‘plans’, you’re a fucking loser Dream,” Sapnap said in between breaths.  _

_ “I do actually have to sleep at a decent time if I want to trust myself to wake up, though,” Dream said after a brief moment of collecting himself. “Nighty night gamers.” _

_ “Byeeee,” Sapnap imitated. _

_ “See you Dream, love you!” _

  
  


_ Dream’s stomach dropped while his mind stuttered to a stop. He ended the call without another word, hand unsteady. If only George knew. He doesn’t love Dream. Not really. Not in the way Dream wanted him too. His chest clenched uncomfortably, his mind starting to emotionally check out. The empty started to take, took his thoughts, took his dignity, took his composure. Dream’s sure it’s bound to take him, one day, too. _

_ Only one way to combat the whirling, but silent, torrent of emotions inside; he’s learned over the course of his life that he’s gotta balance it, physically.. He raised his head towards the bathroom and stood on shaky legs. _

  
  


__ And that’s how he ended up on the bathroom floor, head swimming. “No thoughts head empty,” he chokes out to himself quietly, trying to find humor in the situation. It always comes back to George, huh? Why couldn’t it have been anyone else? He feels his throat start to burn and tears prick the corners of his eyes. He squeezes them shut and buries his head into the tile floor, desperate to stop the feeling before he can, well,  _ feel it. _

He needs a distraction. He rolls over onto his back and searches his pockets for his phone, and par to course it’s not there. His eyes fill with tears again at the minor inconvenience.  _ Do you see what you do to me? Would you care, would you be disgusted? Would you leave me here on the floor, given the option? _

“Shut  _ up,”  _ Dream curses at himself. His brain is own worst enemy, turning everybody he loves and even himself against him. No, George doesn’t and will never love him, but he’s not a fucking asshole so  _ shut your fuck brain. _

He lies there a few more moments, tears slipping out in uneven intervals, breaths slowly picking up speed. He finally forces himself off the floor and spots the phone on the bathroom counter, next to the-

Nope, ignoring that. He swipes open his phone and his thumb instinctually finds its way to George’s contact, hovering over the call button. HIs heart picks up after realizing he’s almost just called George, purely on instinct. He can’t do that, not tonight, not right now certainly. He opens his messaging app. He doesn’t want to bother Sapnap, not at this hour-- he glances at the time in the corner of his phone and is shocked to find it was three a.m.-- but he doesn’t see another option.

_ Selfish fucking dumbass. Always about me, me, me- _

“Okieee dokie enough of that,” he mumbles to himself, his resolve now hardened. Beat his own brain back in spite, he thinks. Is it really bad to hurt the bad parts of you?

_ Dreamwastaken _

_ hey _

_ are you up _

_? _

_ Sapnap _

_ Ye _

_ Why _

_Dreamwastaken_ _  
_ _hey why are you up_

_ you should be sleeping idiot _

_ Sapnap: _

_ You’re the one who asked first _

_ Dreamwastaken _

_ yes and _

_Sapnap_ _  
_ _You are a child._

_ What did you need _

_Dreamwastaken_ _  
_ _idk just bored ig_

_ could we just talk or something _

_Sapnap_ _  
_ _Yeah sure_

_ But are you sure you’re good _

_ Dreamwastaken _

_ im not good _

_ im fucking Great _

His screen lit up with an incoming call from Sapnap.

“Shit,” Dream groans,, sinking back onto the bathroom floor. Yeah. he wants someone to talk to. This is not what he meant. Phone call meant talking. Meant energy. Meant a much more real, vulnerable setting.

His finger hovers a second over the accept button before quickly hitting decline. Not today, not right now. His voice is far too likely to betray him, anyway.

_ Sapnap _

_ Ok mr. Great _

_ If you’re okay answer my call _

_ Dreamwastaken _

_ dont wanna _

_ tired _

_ Sapnap _

_ Please _

_ Don’t make me call George too. _

Dream rakes his fingers through his hair and takes a deep breath before releasing it in a dramatic fashion, closing his eyes. He feels his phone starting to vibrate again, but he really wasn’t lying earlier-- he was fucking tired. Blood loss does that to a person.

Dream wants to pick up the phone and answer. He really does. He knows what it’s like to be left on the other end, staring at your phone waiting for someone, anyone to text you first or even back, wondering why you’re not enough to be wanted. But his eyelids were suddenly much heavier than they were a moment ago and opening them felt the equivalent of moving a mountain. His phone continues to ring, but it suddenly seems so, so far. Actually, everything seemed further away…

He chuckles weakly to himself. His pulse deafens his ears, his mind, he can’t be here much longer. It all hurts. Everything. He doesn’t want to fight to stay awake anymore. As he slips out of consciousness almost eagerly, he holds on to one coherent thought;  _ Oh, Sapnaps gonna be pissed... _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to upload this yesterday but my computer died as I was doing it. All my bitches with adhd know that when a task is interrupted it's going to be another 1-3 business days to complete it. Anyway I didn't feel like editing so the later parts could be wonky sorry

Dream awoke on the bathroom floor, a headache pressing against his skull, desperate to escape. He opens his eyes, only to flinch and slam them back shut as the unforgiving white light blinded his vision. His cheek was sticky against the cold tile, and he inwardly groans at the realization that it’s his own drool. Dream feels his sleeves hitch on his wrists as he shifts to a slightly more comfortable position and winces slightly, the events of the night before slowly coming back to him.

He lets himself lie there if only for a few more moments, more than content to lie there in his own filth if it means he can avoid it all for just a little while longer. He decides to concentrate all of his focus onto the hum of the bathroom fan, trying to hold onto the blissful unawareness that comes with the first few moments of waking up.

His phone vibrates with a twitter notification and Dream’s eyes widen. He totally abandoned Sap and probably freaked him the fuck out.

“Fuck,” he groans under his breath as he finally resolves to sit up. He mentally counts down from three, two, one, and propels himself upward without another thought of hesitation.

His head swam with dizziness and fog, and he thinks he blacks out for a hot second. Deep breaths, don’t pass out don’t pass out…

The dizziness fades back into a dull headache and Dream looks around him for his phone, grabbing it with an overwhelming trepidation when he spots it behind him.

He takes a deep breath, and turns it on.

_Sapnap_   
_22 messages_   
_3 missed calls_

_George_   
_12 messages_   
_4 missed calls_

He grimaces. While it definitely could be worse, it still wasn’t great.

_Sapnap_   
_Hey_   
_Please don’t ignore me I know you texted me for a reason_   
_It’s okay if you don't want to call but please respond_   
_Clay I swear you’re giving me gray hairs_

Gut punch to the stomach. He shouldn’t have texted Sap. Worrying him and then not responding. What an asshole move.

Shit I realize that sounds bad I don’t mean it like that  
You know I care right

The rest of Sapnap’s messages carried on in a similar manner, and Dream reads them feeling worse with each one. He didn’t deserve this, not at all.

His stomach flips at the thought of George. Did he really want to read it? He’d have to, eventually. With another deep breath, he opens the next set of messages.

_George_   
_Clay_   
_Sap said I should text u?_   
_Are u ok?_   
_We don’t have to talk for long just lemme know if your good_   
_*your_   
_*your_   
_FUCK *youre_   
_Anyway_   
_I’m here for you please know that_   
_I always am_   
_I’ll be here when ur ready to talk_   
_Love you man_

Dream wants to cry--scratch that, Dream starts to cry, salty tears gracing his lips. George can’t keep doing this. Does he know? Just how much it hurts him, getting a glimpse into the paradise that could be, only to be confronted by his own reality, harsh and unforgiving?

This is how he knows George cannot, will never feel the same. He can so casually throw around those words at the drop of a hat, tack them onto the end of a conversation, like it means nothing but an indicator of friendship. Dream can count the amount of times he’s said ‘love’ this year on one hand; George has said it to everyone he cares about an uncountable amount of times - off camera, of course. Can’t have the streaming world know he’s a big sap. Now Dream’s no economic expert, but he knows that the more there is of something, the less that it’s worth. George stamps on the feeble hope within him with every careless declaration of friendship. George might as well spit in his face and choke the life from him.

Is he being dramatic? Yeah, probably. He closes his eyes and swallows, willing his tears to retreat as he racks his brain for a response. What the fuck does someone say after ghosting your friends who were only doing their best to make sure you were alright?

Dream opens the chat he has with Sap and stares at the text bubble, thumbs hovering over the keyboard blankly.

Fuck it. This was not a notes app moment - these were his friends. Just be normal. He takes a deep breath before spitting his mind onto the screen,

_Dream_   
_hey look I’m sorry_   
_i fell asleep right after I texted you_   
_ik it probably didnt look great_   
_but im chilling promise_

_Sap_   
_Bullshit_   
_I understand if you don’t want to talk about whatever is going on_   
_But don’t lie to me_   
_Do you really think me that stupid?_

Ice in his veins. Sapnap’s message was a slap to the face. It shouldn’t even hurt him - Sap was in the right here, and had the right to the truth, or at least the right to not be lied to. But for some reason, his reaction hurt more than if he’d said something outright hurtful.It had a ‘not mad, just disappointed,’ feel to it.

_Dream_   
_no_   
_im sorry_   
_for a lot of things really_   
_but please dont feel like you have to worry about me_   
_ive got it_

_Sapnap_   
_Im not mad_   
_I just want honesty_   
_Promise you’ll talk to someone about it_   
_Even if it’s not me_   
_Maybe George?_

Dream bit out a bitter laugh at that last message. George was the last person he could tell.

_Dream_   
_not george_   
_but can we drop this_   
_please_

_Sapnap_

_What would it take to convince you that people do care man_   
_But okay, for now_   
_Not forever_

Dream breathes a sigh of relief. Maybe things will turn out okay after all.

_Dream_   
_thank you_   
_talk to you later?_

_Sapnap_   
_Yeah_   
_You better_

Okay. One down, one to go. Dream opens George’s chat and is greeted by the ‘love you man’ from yesterday. Even though he’s seen it already, it didn’t hurt any less with time. A feeling of dread settles in his stomach again, even more unsure of what to say to him than with Sap.

_Dream_   
_hey uh_   
_oops?_   
_i was texting sap out of boredom and fell asleep_   
_sorry he had to wake you up for my impromptu nap_

His heart is pounding in his chest. He knows why. Doesn’t mean he has to like it.

_George_   
_Okay_

A strangled noise makes its way out of Dream’s throat. ‘Okay’?! The stark contrast between George and Sapnaps responses would have been funny, save for the fact that it might just have hurt.

No, he doesn’t want them to be concerned. But didn’t George worry even a little?

Why would he waste time worrying about you, he has more important things to worry about than you surely.

Dream agrees, though he shoves the hurt aside. No use dwelling on what can’t be changed, he tries to convince himself.

His thoughts are interrupted by another message from George.

_George_   
_Wanna join me and sap on call_   
_No pressure_

Dream starts to type a response agreeing, but hesitates midway. The ‘no pressure’ felt backhanded? Does George want him there, deep down?

Probably not, but before he can think of an acceptable excuse to use he gets an incoming call from a number he doesn’t recognize. “Hello?”, his voice cracks.

“Hi, this is Shelby with Sanford Clinic, I’m calling to confirm your appointment with Ms. Dalton in one hour. Is this Clay?”

Shit. He can’t go to his appointment today, not unless he wants a guaranteed one way ticket to being admitted...

“Uh, yes this is, but I actually think I’ve got to cancel this appointment. Something came up,” Dream croaks, voice still hoarse with emotion.

“Okay,” she says, the clacking from her keyboard carrying into the call. “Are you sure? This looks like this was supposed to be your first scheduled session.”

Dream grimaces. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Well, alright. Have a nice day sir,” and she hangs up before he has the chance to get a word in.

Well, shit.

After almost two years of heavy, deep seated denial about the fact he just might not have been as straight as he once thought, he’d finally come to terms with it about two months ago. And in that same realization, he’d realized his psyche was fucked from that as well.

So, he’d made an attempt to go to proper therapy. Like an adult. He’d just try one session, see if it was worth the hype (or money).

Relapsing on his favorite middle school habit may have tweaked his plans, just the tiniest bit.

Dream directs his attention back to George, trying to rid himself of the depressing retrospection. He steels himself and decides to join in spite of his doubts.

A few steps and clicks at the computer later and he’s in call. “Hey guys!” Dream tries his best to put on a cheerful attitude. George’s face lights up immediately and Dream pretends that his stomach isn’t flipping.

“It’s a damn miracle you’re awake at this hour. What is it over there, three in the afternoon? Amazing work,” Sapnap remarks, but something in his tone puts Dream on edge. Was it a threatening concern? Does that even make sense? He doesn’t really know. Either way it makes him paranoid.

“I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: shut your fuck Sap,” Dream counters, voice barely hinting at a ‘drop it’ tone. He wouldn’t be surprised if Sapnap didn’t pick it up, though.

“Bad boy Dream arc?” George snickers, finding his tone amusing. Damn, was he being that obvious?

“Does that make you the good girl?”, Dream replies with a smooth facade. He feels sick. This wasn’t as fun as it used to be.

“Maybe,” George winked. “Anyway, listen up. Me and Sap were just talking, and it might be a little impulsive, but I have a proposal,” he begins, taking a breath. “You. Me. Nick. Florida?”

A beat passes while Dream’s breath catches in his throat, processing the words he’s hearing. “Wait, for real?” His mind is racing. George, in the same room as him. House as him? “Like, at my place? Did you just invite yourself into my house?”

“... Maybe,” Sapnap says quietly, grinning.

George lets out a slight chuckle at that. “When you put it like that, yeah it sounds bad. But I know you’ve been wanting to do your face reveal soon, and covid isn’t letting up anytime soon. I’m thinking we all quarantine, fly over, and do it all together?” The last part of his sentence pitched upwards questioningly. “I know, I know. It’s a big decision, take some time to think about-”

“Yes. Yeah,” Dream interrupts in a slight daze. His heart is pounding against his ribcage as the reality set in; he’s going to see George. He shakes his head and steadies his voice. “Fuck yeah that sounds awesome! DId you have any solid timeframes worked out yet, or…” he trails off, feeling something settling in his gut. Was it excitement? Dread? Both?

The trio bickers over dates, times, airlines, and even taxi services for a good half hour before a tentative plan is in motion. They’ve got a few more kinks to work out, but they’ve got time to plan for the trip that is now set about two and a half weeks from today. The plan is to start quarantine for two weeks in a couple of days, so they all have a little bit of time to stock up and prepare. There is a risk with travelling on planes, but George promised to wear three masks, an impressive feat for a twelve hour flight. Sapnap just planned to drive.

Dream releases a breath he hadn’t been aware he was holding. “Okay. Wow, this is actually happening.”

Sapnap hums. “It won’t feel real until we’re actually there, I think.”

“It’s funny how we’ve been friends forever and are only now just meeting up,” George adds. “I’ve got to get going, guys, but I’ll see you later,” he waves.

“Bye bye,” says Sapnap, and Dream waves back like an idiot. Not like George could see him do that. But before he can say goodbye, he’s gone, and a strange feeling settles over him. He had wanted to say goodbye.

He sits there for a moment, staring at the empty space that had just been George.

“Just so you know Clay, I’m not dropping last night,” Sapnap says unexpectedly after a moment of silence.

Dream jumps, zoning back into reality. “Sap, please,” he pleads. “Leave it. For now?”. His wrists choose this moment to ebb just a little more, and he grimaces. Irony is a bitch sometimes.

Sapnap runs a hand through his hair. “You said that earlier. You gotta talk to me, man. Or someone. This whole ‘nothing’ is clearly affecting you.”

Dream sits in silence for a moment, thinking. He was never going to tell Sapnap about his, uh, let’s call it an unhealthy coping mechanism. But he can feel himself break a little more every day, the feelings tucked inside ready to spill out of him at any moment.

Shit, guess he was doing this. Dream clears his throat.

“Well…”


End file.
